TOO YOUNG TO LEAD; TOO STRONG TO QUIT: Life as a firstborn

 "At 20, while my classmates and friends were planning their weekend outings and going shopping, I was working at a local restaurant and sending part of my HELB loan back home to support my family. They all look up to me. but sometimes, that weight drains me completely."

Being a firstborn in Kenya comes with an enormous burden, especially if you come from a struggling home. It’s like becoming a third parent, not just to your siblings, but sometimes even to your own parents. You lead, you sacrifice, and you bury your emotions six feet under just to stand tall for the family. Worse still is the constant fear of not making it in life, of letting everyone down.

For many families, once the firstborn makes it to campus, it's as though they’ve already secured a job. They become the go-to solution for everything, from food and medical needs to school fees for younger siblings. Every phone call is a reminder of what’s expected. Most times, this forces firstborn students to take on debt or send large portions of their HELB, the very money meant to cover their own fees and daily needs.


Sometimes, the pressure becomes too much. Some firstborns drop out of school to hustle full-time. Others spiral into depression. And when it gets unbearable, we lose them to suicide.


“I always enclose myself in my single room and cry the whole day just to feel better, but it still doesn’t help,” says Jane, 20.


“It reached a point where I was having suicidal thoughts. I kept asking God why I had to be born into poverty,” says John, 21. “But I guess He listened, because somehow I found hope and kept pushing, even though it’s still hard.”


“I can hardly concentrate in class or even group discussions,” Cryl, 20, shares. “I’m always thinking about home. Even after schools close, I don’t feel excited to go back, I’d rather find a hustle instead.”


 “I know this reality too well. There have been times I’ve had to pretend to be okay, even when my own world was falling apart. You smile through phone calls and make promises you’re not sure how to keep; just to give your family hope. It’s not just about responsibility; it’s about love, guilt, fear, and pressure all wrapped in one role.”


 For some, things improve with time.

“Now that I’ve finished campus and started a small job, things are slowly changing,” says Lydia, 24. “But I’ll be honest, sometimes I feel like I’m still carrying my entire home on my back. The only difference is now I’ve gotten used to the weight.”

This growing crisis among firstborns in low-income families needs more than silence. Emotional support systems, school-based counselling, and open conversations about mental health are essential. Universities should recognize this unique burden and create safe spaces for students to ask for help without shame.

Many firstborns live in constant fear of the future. They wrestle with anxiety, depression, and isolation, hiding behind strength and silence. They play the hero, even as they quietly fall apart inside.

Before you call the firstborn ‘the example,’ pause and ask, who checks on them? Because even the strongest pillar can crack under too much weight.


Ojiambo Florence 

Comments

  1. Derc Powel Okunyo June 8, 2025 at 2:18 AM

    I loved it where you said in many families firstborns who make it to University are perceived to have just gotten employment. It's indeed true. May God bless all firstborns they are the carriers of hope to many families and communities.

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